Part II – Life changing lessons: Starting with the man in the mirror

It’s the morning of August 30, 2008 – A Saturday.  I am standing in front of my full body length mirror. I have stood in front of this mirror many times. Today though, is different. I am unhappy. It is important for me to note this as I have not been unhappy since I moved to Johannesburg in 2000. I have felt scared, sad, angry and sometimes defeated, but unhappy is a feeling that’s foreign to me. I’m trying to figure out what is making me unhappy. I am told I have everything.

What could be the cause of my unhappiness?

My mind keeps playing back to the conversation, with the Supervisor on the last day. He explained why he reacted the way he did.  Could there be a link between my unhappiness and this conversation and the story I narrated in Part I of this series?

First, let me go back to the conversation we had and the lessons he imparted on me:

Lessons learned on the last day

I thanked him for everything. He accepted my gratitude. He emphasised, that what he did on that day and after was more for his benefit than mine.

He grew up in what was considered a very strict home. Filled with corporal punishment, ruled by fear and not many options to speak up. A lot of “good people” were aware of what was going on, but pretended not to see. They turned a blind eye to the bruises, and to the sadness. His father was well off. The “good people” could lose favour with him. Because he had been a victim of an unfair system, he is very sensitive towards unfairness and injustice.

A lot of “good people” were aware of what was going on, but pretended not to see.

What had transpired in that first meeting was plain wrong. Precluding people from learning, developing and self-actualising, is not only unfair and unjust. It is unethical.

These are the lessons he learned from his upbringing:

Lesson 1

– People wait for one big unethical event to happen, to prove their ethics and subscription to good values. They don’t understand that unethical conduct is in the daily systems and processes. The systems that take from others and give to others. The systems that are acceptable and sometimes justified.

Lesson 2

– The test for ethics is in our daily actions. Every day, we choose to either up or lower our integrity graph. We do this in the small decisions that we make. What we accept, acknowledge, tolerate, and turn a blind eye to. We do this by what we choose to speak up on or to be silent about. What you train yourself to be on a daily basis, is highly likely how you will react when faced with a big unethical decision. If you have trained yourself to be silent, to be fearful, to pretend not to see, that, probably will be your reaction when faced with a big ethical decision.

Lesson 3

“Good people” normally give themselves a pass on living ethically without analysing their daily actions.  We are told that ethical culture is defined as doing the right thing even when no one is looking. However, most unethical conduct, especially by “beneficiaries of unfair systems” happens in front of all to see.For example – Everyone in that meeting sensed my discomfort and noticed that I was not taking notes – but pretended not to see. Any one of them, could have done something, but deliberately chose not to. It benefited them. They would not have to deal with someone of a different race and gender in the team. It gave them an urge, to exclude others, as they eliminated competition.

Lesson 4

– We are told that an ethical culture is how people act without having to think about ethics. He disputed this, ethical culture requires people to think about their deliberate daily actions. It requires an intentional awareness of how systems, processes and environments work. It requires the beneficiaries (whether due to race / gender / class) first to acknowledge that they are the beneficiaries of an unfair system that takes from others while giving to them. Then they have to think about ways that these systems are acting unethical towards the victims, and intentionally, on a daily basis be determined to do the right thing. For example – the people in that room all would give themselves a pass on demonstrating the values of the firm and of the profession. The values, of due professional care, integrity, team work, professional behaviour. Whereas, nothing that happened in that meeting, positively met these values.

Lesson 5

– Most people, think that doing, what is right should be confrontational. He had realised that the people who made a difference to him and his siblings were people who did subtle things. The ones, whose daily actions, communicated to him and his siblings that they have noted what is wrong and they cared. Similarly then, with my situation, he did not have to confront the Team Leader and the team. He made a difference, by implementing subtle daily actions.

Lesson 6

– As a former victim of injustice he stood a good chance of being a perpetrator. From the analysis, he did growing up, his father had himself been a victim of similar harsh family circumstances. As a former victim, he had to check his resentment. Resentment, could make him, a more vicious perpetrator of injustice and unfairness. This is the lesson, more than others, I keep on going back to, as I stand in front of the mirror. Why?

Starting with the man in the mirror

I am a person who is identified and identifiable to South Africans as black and female. With our peculiar history, that means almost all the time, I am a victim of systems that were designed to oppress, marginalise, disempower and dominate – whether based on race, gender, class or all. Almost four years prior to me standing in the mirror, I had added another layer to these systems. I had gotten married and got myself tangled in what I refer to as “black patriarchy” or the “African Ways”. I strip and separate this from normal patriarchy as I found it to be not largely spoken about and lacking in documented literature and guidance. It is a secret oppression, which many older black women have hidden for years. I experienced it to be more vicious and more threatening to my future self-actualisation, nonetheless.

I realised the source of my unhappiness as I stand in front of the mirror. My resentment has been growing unchecked over the past four years. The introduction of the relentless “black patriarchy” had led me to highest levels of resentment ever.  As a response, I had become, to some level, what the Supervisor not wanted to be, a former victim who is now “a taker”. Let me detail some, and by no means all of the examples, I had become a taker:

• I was parenting my child alone.  I was disappointed, exhausted, but mostly resentful. I became physically but not emotionally present to my toddler. I parented hands on, but there was always a cloud of resentment hanging over me. I was taking from my child. I was too tired to sing Barney’s colour song – “I love red, it’s a colour of an apple” – whenever she identified colours during our morning and afternoon school rides. Or to watch “Ursula” – which is what she called “The Little Mermaid” – for the millionth time. I was impatient and absent. I was resentful and taking from my own daughter, she was totally frustrated with me, more critically her little personality, was not growing and developing.
• I was resentful towards young people of other races and other young people who experienced better education systems than I did. Admittedly, I was not as overt in not training them as what was done to me. There was, however always a cloud of resentment, every time I had to set them up or guide them. This was unsettling to me, as I define myself as an empowering leader, whose leadership is rooted in giving self-confidence and agency to all future young leaders. The layer of black patriarchy, meant that I was too exhausted to examine my own actions. I was fighting relentless battles on all fronts.
• The silencing in my personal environments, meant that I started to be more silent in the organisations, I worked for. I am a CA, I get paid to give opinions, thought leadership. I am paid to raise my hand and point out issues and solutions. I am paid to find new ways of doing things. The organisations kept their side of the bargain and paid me, but I was too exhausted to bring all of me, my ideas and thought leadership to work. I became hesitant to speak up, to contribute. I was taking from the organisations I worked for, yes not too much, but I was taking nonetheless. I was not bringing a hundred percent attentive person to work. I was exhausted, fighting battles on all fronts.

This analysis for me, was lifesaving. In the past I had been able to somewhat negotiate with other forms of oppression, granted, I had taken huge loses, but I could also point out to some big wins. The only layer I analysed, and found to be unrelenting and not willing to offer any wins was the “African Way”. In order to preserve the integrity of my CA (SA) brand, in order for me to confidently tick off living the values of the profession, the firm and the organisations I worked for and my leadership principles (including as a Mother), this layer had to go. I had to be intentional, to be decisive, otherwise I was on the brink of falling prey to turning a blind eye to unethical culture. It has been twelve years since I made this decision. Living ethically presents daily challenges. Some days, and I am happy to say most days, I win and some I don’t. What is critical though, is that on those days, I have the presence and clarity of mind to analyse my actions and identify areas I can do better. I am confident that more often than not, I do right by the future leaders of this country, of this planet, of this world. I actively, on a daily basis, contribute towards developing a sustainable pipeline of future leaders. I contribute to sustainability.

This is not the only time, I reflected practically on the lessons learned from this incident. In the following articles I will these lessons impact and the impact on my ethics thinking. Next in the series, is my reflection on these lessons every time someone asks – But where did this moral degeneration come from?